Shadow of Conflict
conflict, n. - a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. (Google/Oxford)
conflict, n. - mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands (Merriam-Webster)
The Google/Oxford definition also had a use in a sentence that was fitting with Gene Key 6: “the eternal conflict between the sexes.” I find this ironic as Richard Rudd describes the Shadow of Conflict as “The Battle of the Sexes.” I will write more on this “battle of the sexes” a little later, but first I want to build on the definitions of conflict.
In my Somatic Attachment Therapy course, Instructor and Co-Director Kai Cheng Thom, had a class called Understanding Conflict and Attachment. In the class, she mentions how most people are in conflict far more times than what we actually consider conflictual. Most of us regard the first definition as conflict, when in actuality, the latter Merriam-Webster definition is closer to the truth.
We regularly find ourselves in conflict. Conflict can be minor, something we quickly move past. Technically, when I desire to go in one direction and my dog, Sam, desires to go in a different direction, that is by definition conflict. We have opposing wishes or demands and we must reach a resolution to continue. (For the record, Sam often wins.) Often, however, most people do not consider these small, ineffectual differences as conflict. Typically, we do not view it as conflict until we reach a point of no return and the two (or more) sides are at an impasse.
Why are they at an impasse? Because each side is emotionally identified with their stance/opinion.
Emotional identification is likely the biggest reason for conflicts, but what exactly does that mean to be identified as our emotions. When a person says “I am angry” or “I am sad”, this is the biggest clue that a person is identified with their emotions. There is no separation between the self and the emotion. However, when a person says “I am feeling angry” or “I am feeling sad,” there is more of a separation between the self and the emotion. Taking this one step further, in Internal Family Systems or Focusing, a person separates themselves from the emotion or the situation when they say “a part of me feels angry” or “something in me feels angry.” If you don’t believe me, try it on. Even better, if you try it on while you’re experiencing a range of emotions.
To clarify, this isn’t the same use of identification where one is able to know which feelings are present. This usage of identification is where one IS that emotion. They are THAT thing whatever it is they are feeling.
In Shadow of Impatience, I touched on the trauma cycle within the nervous system. Many of our big reactions are rooted in our developmental history. Relationship expert, Tracey MacMillan, says “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” From Rudd in Gene Keys: “Your emotional defense strategies are primarily laid down during your second seven-year cycle – from the age of 7 until 14, as you navigate puberty.” Though, these responses can be built long before that timeframe and long after. So, if there are moments where you find yourself blowing up, it’s probably not the situation at hand, exactly. It’s more that the situation at hand is remind you subconsciously of another time you felt this way. Until you make the subconscious conscious, you may struggle to understand why you react in big ways I certain circumstances.
Buddhists and now therapists have been trying to spread that word that you are not your thoughts, emotions, or feelings. Your emotions and feelings are information, but you are not them. Not everyone has received this tip and/or not everyone (most everyone) is able to step back from strong emotions for a pause. It happens. That’s our humanity stepping in.
The Shadow of Conflict is, particularly, rooted in defensiveness and is all about the balance of polarities – “religion and science, east and west, rich and poor,” “male and female.”
On a personal level, this shadow shows up in our emotional states. On a community/collective level, the Shadow of Conflict shows up in boundaries and borders. The 6th Shadow, says Rudd, “is responsible for war.”
The Repressive Nature of the Shadow of Conflict is “Over-Attentive.” These are the original people pleasers. To attempt to control our circumstances, we attempt to control those around us by catering to others needs and ignoring our own.
The Reactive Nature of the Shadow of Conflict is “Tactless.” Again, the reactive nature is usually a way that anger shows up and this shadow is no different. These individuals have no accountability for their emotional climate and likely blame everyone else. Usually, the only type of person that can tolerate the Reactive Nature are the people pleasers.
I have been both of these. I have people-pleased until I have so much built-up resentment that I become reactive. It happens to many people where we can show up as both the Repressive and Reactive sides of a shadow.
How to work with this shadow:
- Learn to take accountability for your actions/words. Take my Owning My Sh*t Course (for everyone). 😊 Link Here.
- Learn to say No (and what your No really feels like) . Take my Honor Your No Course (for everyone, but especially the people pleasers). Link Here.
- If you’re more of a people-pleaser, it helps to figure out your own wants and needs. When do you self-abandon? When do you attempt to control others by managing their reactions by taking preemptive actions?
- If you’re more of the Tactless variety, learn what causes you to go off. What’s your history there? When do you remember first feeling that?
- Practice the Pause. Take a moment to see what’s going on with your internal environment. How do feel? Where do you feel it? Are you able to take notice of the feelings?
- Try a little bit of the focusing technique. Instead of saying “I am angry” (or whatever emotion is coming up for you), try saying “something in me is feeling angry” (again, change the feeling word for what you feel).
Not sure how to work with this? Check out this Blog Post here to see how to work with the Shadows. Also, feel free to check out my courses Honoring Your No and Owning My Sh*t here to help work on that self-awareness piece.
Disclaimer: What I find unhelpful with the Gene Keys text is that it is more spiritual than realistic, especially when these states are resulting in mental illness. Maybe all mental illness has a root in shadow, but that isn’t for me to say and it is super invalidating for people who experience these states. So as you read through this, or any of these shadows, know that your own experience is valid regardless of impersonal spiritual texts. This goes for Gene Keys, Human Design, and any other spiritual text even from world religions. If these texts invalidate a person’s humanity, then it’s the text that is the problem and not the person. Always use personal discernment. More of my two-cents on spiritual and religious dogma, modalities, and texts here.
