Awkward Truth: I Don’t Know What It Means To Be My Authentic Self.

I understand this whole authenticity thing in general. I do. But when people say “just be your authentic self,” there is big part of me that is like “ok, but WTF does that really mean.”

The more I have unpacked my traumas, patterns and limiting beliefs, the more I can see that massive chunks of my personality are made up of coping mechanisms that I have used for the last 40 years to deal with those other things.

I dismantled huge aspects of my personality unpacking this shit. I even gave up sarcasm, which was my favorite coping mechanism of them all. The banter. The quips. Oh man. I really loved that coping mechanism. Ruined by the realization that I used it to connect with people, but also keep them at arms length by avoiding vulnerability. (Literally running away from interactions is another solid way to avoid vulnerability, btw.)

Anywho. Authentic expression of self. WTF. Where I am at is that I’m still figuring out who I am underneath all of the coping mechanisms. I don’t want to be the person that says “this is just who I am and you have to deal with it.” That smells a lot like avoidance of personal developmental. No judgement. I’ve been there, too.

So I’m figuring out. I feel like there’s a different expression of me that shows up everyday at this point. The only consistency seems to be that I’m awkward. Sometimes it’s low-key, but it’s always there. Sometimes the awkward is so blatant that I know I’ll cringe when I randomly think about it in a decade in the middle vacuuming my living.

I have been slowly letting the sarcasm back into my life in ways that help add levity without the avoidance piece. It helps to me to remember to not take myself so seriously. Also, it was kind of a fucking drag to be brutally honest.

- What does authenticity mean to you?
- What personality traits do you have that are actually coping mechanisms?