Shadow of Self-Obsession
The core of the 10th Gene Key Shadow of Self-Obsession is the “fear of losing your identity,” yet the core of the 10th Gene Key as a whole is Self-Love. There are 64 Gene Keys and it is said that all of the Gene Keys are within each of us. That said, not all of them are activated. Gene Key 10 is one of the Keys in which everyone has this activated whether it is in their chart or not. Everyone has a personal journey with Self-Love.
“All inner journeys begin with self-obsession and it can truly become an endless labyrinth. Even with self-obsession takes the form of a spiritual search, it can become a trap.” - Richard Rudd
The Shadow of Self-Obsession manifests in different ways. It can show up as an obsession with one’s own personal uniqueness. As a result, when this Shadow is active, “all you can see in others are people you would like to change.” People become obsessed with their own uniqueness that they cannot accept anyone else’s uniqueness.
The Repressive Nature of the Shadow of Self-Obsession is Self-Denying. In this introverted side of the 10th Shadow, people deny themselves. They do anything and everything to not have to look closely at themselves. They live for others and through others “with no real self-love and no true center or heart within themselves.”
The Reactive Nature of the 10th Shadow is Narcissism. With this extroverted nature, “people project their fear of losing themselves onto others and society in general.” It goes on to say that “they live in paranoia that the world or others will somehow rob them of their right to freedom.
When I think of the introverted and extroverted ways this Shadow may show up in our lives, I want to point out that we may have seasons of both. Narcissism is such a buzzword these days to describe people. I’ve also used it to describe people, especially an ex. Yet when I am honest with myself, I can also see the times where I displayed the reactive nature of this shadow myself. I spent the majority of my life in the repressive side of things. I lived for other people. I lived for my job. I lived for the validation and approval of others and would morph myself into whoever I needed to be get that. I would regularly abandon myself and my needs over other people. Hell, my job often felt like it demanded me to abandon myself.
Then one day this way of being broke me and I exercised more of the reactive side. After spending so much time avoiding me, I became overly attached to me and my identity. More than that, the people that expected the repressive behaviors from me felt unsafe to me. The people who remained stuck in the repressive side themselves felt unsafe for me to be around because it was no longer something I wanted to do. Of course, the people on the reactive side felt unsafe to me as well. The irony being that after spending so long abandoning myself, I developed the reactive side in not wanting to abandon myself and my identity at all costs.
Shadows develop often out of the nervous system dysregulation as a means to find safety. This shadow especially seems to have that relationship to safety and dysregulation. I offer this up as a point of reference and to bring in the words of @inquisitivehuman: you cannot know me without me; I cannot know you without you. We all have the behavioral and mental capacity to be on the reactive side of this. It doesn’t mean that is the baseline or that it’s forever. Just know that you cannot know or understand a person and where they are at without them.
Disclaimer: This does not apply if someone is harmful and has proven themselves to be harmful. You should not put yourself into harm’s way. It is me saying that if you just met someone, maybe consider the snap judgements we make about people may not be accurate, may not take a person’s story into consideration, and may be a result of our own background of nervous system dysregulation.
As a result of the chemical makeup of our brains, we all have a trauma response. Back when we were cavemen, this trauma response is what kept us alive in the moment. Animals contain the same exact response. While we have grown as humans, there is a part of our brains that has not. It is still animal in nature and it takes over even in non-life-threatening situations. These trauma responses in Psychology are known as the 4 Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. They are part of the Autonomic Nervous System. As I am not a scientist, I will leave the details to the scientists. If you are interested in a deep dive into these 4 trauma responses, look for books on Trauma and Polyvagal Theory (suggestions in Resources).
You know the times when you completely lose it? You yell. Maybe you throw something or kick something. You lose all ability to maintain a cool demeanor. Maybe you get anxious. Can’t sit still. Check for exits or ways to leave the immediate vicinity. Or maybe you shut down completely. Refuse to engage and wall people off. Even if you didn’t do something wrong, maybe you just start apologizing trying to appease the other person. That’s your history talking.
There is a quote by Tracy McMillan, who I follow on IG: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Something in that moment is setting off a subconscious emotional memory, usually from your childhood or traumatic memories from our past that have seared themselves into your nervous system.
As children, we develop these patterns of self-abandonment or self-obsession based largely on how we experienced receiving love from our parents or the adults in our life growing up. Feeling love is a requirement for our growth and development. It is built into our survival. Children learn to become whoever they need to be to experience the love, affection and attention of their parents. Some parents require their children’s not to take up space, so the children learn to make themselves as small as possible, which may turn into adults who morph and adjust themselves to fit in. Some are required maintain emotional regulation far beyond what their age, capacity and experience allow, which may evolve into people pleasing later in life. Some parents only appear to show love when the child is great at sports or receives an award, so the child becomes an adult hellbent on awards, achievements and maintaining that identity at all costs. These are just a few examples (of many) of how children learn to adapt and survive, which later become subconscious behaviors as adults.
There are many layers that we have to uncover. What were we taught to do and be as a child? How have we internalized our relationships with our family, caregivers, and siblings? What does society and the media ingrain in our psyche on a daily basis? To make more space for our self-worth, it takes peeling back our layers and finding out who we are and who we have been taught to be.
This is where learning what your Yes and No feels like in a baseline (non-reactive) scenario is important. Sometimes the intensity of the response when it is linked to a 4F reaction is part an activating situation or dynamic that we need to get away from immediately. This is especially true in situations of abuse of all types (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and I definitely advise you to seek help with a counselor if you suspect you are a victim of abuse. Where our conditioning can play a major role is in situations where we grew up in chaos, feeling unsafe, feeling unheard, feeling like we have to perform to feel love from our parent/guardian/parent-type-figure, etc. These types of circumstances experienced in childhood condition the body to the opposite. These individuals now register the unsafe or unhealthy situations as safe and in situations where a person has healthy boundaries, desires for vulnerability, healthy expressions of emotions, etc., now register in the body as unsafe and will activate one of the 4Fs.
The last part is especially important to remember. The feeling part of the brain sits right next to the part of the brain activated by the sympathetic nervous system part of the brain. That’s why when someone does not feel seen, heard, or they feel ignored or like they don’t belong OR that the story they are telling themselves is one of the above, it registers on the brain as physical pain. It registers in the brain as “if we do not get away now, we will die.” Will you actually die? No. The activated trauma response system only registers on that extreme level.
Activating/charged/chaotic/challenging/traumatic Childhood (may) = Feeling safe in unhealthy dynamics
Activating/charged/chaotic/challenging/traumatic Childhood (may) = Feeling unsafe in healthy dynamics
I want to point out the importance of seeing these all of these shadows as stepping stones. We cannot grow past a shadow by shaming it, denying its existence or shoving it down and pretending it’s not there. We move beyond shadows by first acknowledging their existence and creating awareness around them. We move beyond shadows, sometimes, by even embracing them.
“Until you come to recognize your own self-obsession you cannot truly transcend it…” -Richard Rudd
The 10th Gene Key Gift of Naturalness has 5 phases that lead to transcending the Shadow of Self-Obsession.
Phase #1: The realize that you cannot be defined by any kind of label. As complex human beings, we often do not fit any simple labels. In our self-obsession, we seek to define ourselves. In our naturalness, we realize that we are more than any elevator pitch, niche, or series of labels.
Phase #2: “The second phase of becoming natural tends to be a deep inner questioning and questing in which you isolate yourself in some sense from your previous responsibilities and give time and space to understanding your own nature more.” This is especially the time when you have realized “the futility of trying to find something that is clearly indefinable.”
Phase #3: “Letting go of all the constructs and techniques from which you may have identified and from which you derived security.” Take it from me, this Phase is no joke and is incredibly challenging. I didn’t undertake these phases knowingly or consciously. I was able to see myself in these phases as I discovered this Gene Key. The bright side of this Phase is that eventually, you relax. You’d be amazed at how much tension you may be holding.
Phase #4: This is when you learn to experience yourself as you are when you’re no longer trying to be anything you’re not. It’s when you truly externalize all that’s been inside of you.
Phase #5: This is your realized individualized differentiated self. This is when you’re finally you. Unapologetically. It is often a challenge to the norm. Go be and celebrate your rebellious self.
How to work with this shadow:
Contemplate the Repressive and Reactive Natures of the 10th Shadow of Self-Obsession. What feels familiar to you?
Where do you feel limited by your identity? Where do you feel attached to your identity?
If you’re not really sure where you may be attached to your identity, think about the moments you’ve lost your temper or had your feelings hurt over something someone said to you.
Read the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, especially the section called The Identity Conversation.
When you hear the term self-love, what does that mean to you?
Consider taking one of my courses to help you figure out your Yes and No, or even your patterns.
Consider working with a coach or therapist.
Not sure how to work with this? Check out this Blog Post here to see how to work with the Shadows. Also, feel free to check out my courses Honoring Your No and Owning My Sh*t here to help work on that self-awareness piece.
Disclaimer: What I find unhelpful with the Gene Keys text is that it is more spiritual than realistic, especially when these states are resulting in mental illness. Maybe all mental illness has a root in shadow, but that isn’t for me to say and it is super invalidating for people who experience these states. So as you read through this, or any of these shadows, know that your own experience is valid regardless of impersonal spiritual texts. This goes for Gene Keys, Human Design, and any other spiritual text even from world religions. If these texts invalidate a person’s humanity, then it’s the text that is the problem and not the person. Always use personal discernment. More of my two-cents on spiritual and religious dogma, modalities, and texts here.
